I am addicted to an addict and I’m addicted to his addiction.
I have accepted that I am an addict enabler. I make excuses for him and his addiction while I justify his ‘needs’ to take pills. I lie to my friends and family about his addiction and down play any skepticism they may have. More than anyone, I lie to myself and pretend that this is a normal way of life.
It’s amazing what my smile can hide, but the deep display of pain that looks back at me when I see myself in the mirror.
My life revolves around him. His life revolves around his pills. We can’t go out, on a fun family outing or vacation unless there are enough pills for the event. If there are not enough pills, or he cannot find some, there will be no outing until those needs are met or it will be a miserable and short day.
My life revolves around him. His life revolves around his addiction.
When he’s sweet, patient and thoughtful, I’m so happy in love and force myself to ignore the fact that deep down, I know it’s the pills talking. I force my mind into believing he really means what he’s saying and it’s not just the ‘downer’ telling me what I want to hear. When he’s agitated, loud and easily annoyed with no patience, I make excuses in my head that it’s only because the type of pill he’s on. That’s not him, he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, that’s just the ‘upper’ talking.
It gets excruciatingly exhausting basing every mood off what type of high someone has.
If anyone is going to help him get sober and live a better life, it’s me. He loves me more than anything in this world and that’s enough to make him want to better himself. He loves me more than his chain smoking and close-to-lifelong- addiction. I will choose to stay forever because I am the one and only person to help him. He wants to make me happy and give me the amazing life and love I have given him. I can help him through this.
My thinking was not only wrong but naive.
An addict’s world revolves around their addiction and themselves.
I know he loves me and wants to be with me forever… but he loves himself and that high more.
No love can compare to an addicts love for that high.
But If I leave, the addiction might get out of hand (again) and it’s my job to help get him better, stand by his side, support him, be nonjudgmental and stay loyal. Therefore, I ‘have’ to stay. This is where we are often so wrong in life. We don’t have to do anything. We have a choice in everything we do. We choose.
I chose to stay. I chose to stay through all the lies, manipulation, selfishness and sneakiness.
I also chose to not only give up on that battle, but lose it in many ways. I enabled him every day in every way, just as his family and people close to him did before me and continue to do after me. There have never been consequences for his behavior his whole life and I am now also a major reason for that. His family has always enabled and turned a blind eye because they would rather live a lie than admit he is an addict. To them:
The (fake) beautiful image is more important than the ugly (real) reality.
I allowed my life and my happiness to revolve around him and his addiction. I contributed and enabled an addiction that I hated so much.
I knew I could never compare to his addiction, so it became a challenge to me. I will get to that top spot, watch me.
All I ever wanted was to be his #1 priority. I do believe I was his #1 as much as I could possibly be for him. Him, his cigarettes, his pills, needs, wants and staring at his phone all day seemed to be a higher priority than my happiness and our relationship.
He was proud to call me his woman, brag about me, tell people how amazing I was, how amazing we were together, gloat about me on social media, and how he was the luckiest man ever. Yet, he didn’t make me feel that way. I was constantly begging him to stop leaving the house every seven minutes, pleading for him to stay in a restaurant long enough to finish a meal and not keep leaving to continuously go outside and chain smoke. I can’t remember one time in almost eight years that he stayed through an entire meal without getting up as soon as we were seated, mid meal and as soon as he was done with his plate, while leaving me there to eat alone. When he came back, it was a constant battle with his phone for his attention.
I caught him in so many lies but he would always have a way to flip the script on me. And it would work. I let it work to save the argument.
I felt more alone being in the same room with him, than I do sitting in an empty and cold house.
It’s been said, if you can’t beat them, join them, right? Wrong. I was depressed, sad and defeated that nothing I said, did or tried would make him want to put me before that high. I didn’t want to give up on him or give up on us.
I love him. I want to be with him. I want to make it work. I want my family together.
So, decided to give in and started holding his pills for him and disbursing them as if they were his daily vitamins.
I can help control this addiction, right? Every day was a battle as to how many he was ‘allowed’ to take. What I was allowing wasn’t enough, therefore he was buying pills on his lunch break, running secret “errands” and hiding them, as he knew I would not give him the amount he wanted.
I was enabling his addiction.
I was contributing to everything I despised.
It became easier to enable than argue. I was tired of arguing. I was tired of all my efforts being passed off as being a nag. I actually started to believe I was a nag because I felt like a nag. I had a comment every time he came back inside reeking of cigarette. I had a comment every time he left the house, restaurant or event we were at together. I had a comment for every pill he swallowed. But I was all talk and no action.
I felt like he was cheating on me… But instead of another woman, it was pills.
I became angry, resentful, agitated and jealous of man-made pharmaceuticals.
Every time he walked outside I was irritated because I knew he was just lighting up another cigarette or swallowing another pill. I am the one being questioned by our son; “Where is daddy going?’, “Why is he going outside?”, “Why is he always running errands?”, “Where is he going now?” I found my blood boiling toward him with every question I couldn’t answer.
When he left to go to the ‘store’ I was impatient and upset because; Was he really at the store? What was he getting? Was he calling his dealer? Buying more cigarettes? Getting pills? It consumed my every thought, all day, every day. I started worrying more about his addiction than my own health, happiness, career and dreams.
I started masking my pain. Our life and my mind started revolving around his addiction. My mind was clouded and confused. I knew I deserved, wanted and needed more, I just didn’t want to give up my ‘fairytale’… But what kind of fairy tale is this?!
I thought more about burying him, than marrying him.
Then the day came when I decided and chose to believe, I am stronger than someone else’s addiction. I communicated loud and clear for a very long time that I needed to see effort. Any attempt of effort. Baby steps. I got nothing. So I decided I deserve more. I deserve to be someone’s priority. I had to realize that me standing up for myself, what’s right, my happiness and what I believe in, has nothing to do with lack of loyalty, love or support for him.
It has everything to do with love, loyalty and support for myself.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I am no longer with an addict boyfriend. I no longer mask my pain. I feel better than I have in very long time. I will never again make excuses for an addict or allow myself to be manipulated by one. I will never lie to my friends, family and especially to myself for someone else’s bad habits or addiction. I will never choose to carry on someone else’s bad habits just because they are close to me. My life no longer revolves around someone else’s addiction. I am free. I am happy. I am back to my amazing and strong self.
Never chose to fall victim to someone else’s addiction. You are stronger than that. There is always hope and things always get better. Always stand up for what you believe in.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
You deserve happiness, health and everything you dream of.