No one could ever understand the pain of a shattered family, unless they have experienced it or have been standing in these shoes.
I swore to myself I would never have a child with someone I wasn’t going to spend my life with.
I would never not be with the father of my children forever. My child would never experience the pain of a broken home.
But here I sit, alone, with my son sleeping in the other room, while his daddy is gone and my family is shattered to pieces.
It’s been said that being dumped is the worst pain in the world. I disagree. Know what’s worse? Feeling like you are the person responsible for that pain. I know this because I have been on both sides. The man I believed to be my soul mate, love of my life, best friend, person I was going to marry and father of my son, walked out on us after his dad died. I didn’t know a pain like that existed, until I felt it, like a knife slicing me up and down my back.
I was confused how he could just walk away. I was angry he chose a high over his family. I was resentful of how easy it was for him to walk away as soon as hard situations presented themselves.
I couldn’t pull myself together. The walls were closing in, the days felt miserably long and unproductive.
The easiest tasks felt so complicated.
I couldn’t get myself out of bed or control my emotions. The crying was unstoppable.
I didn’t know a human could produce so many tears.
After being apart for one year, I forgave him for leaving and took him back to make my family work. I have never wanted anything so bad.
Yet, here I sit again, not able to control my cries but this time: I am the one causing the pain.
The tears are falling from my face harder than when rain is pouring down sideways, as they are hitting my legs like when rain slams into the asphalt.
The problem was never if he loved me. I know he loved me so much, still does and always will. The problem was his selfishness, inability to compromise, lack of effort, horrible communication, immaturity and letting his ego and pride come before his true feelings of love and family. I am completely understanding to the fact that changes and self improvements take time. I was willing to not only wait but patiently stand by his side and support him through every journey. I would have done anything and given everything.
But there was no change. There was no effort. He thought I would never leave because of our life long history. And to be honest, I never thought I would leave.
We all deserve someone that will fight for us, our relationship and family…
If you aren’t that person willing to put up one hell of a fight, don’t expect to walk away with the belt.
Making a decision to tear your family apart is not just heart breaking, gut-wrenching, miserable, sad and hard but so many times admirable.
As much as I said I would never let my child feel the pain of a broken home, I also promised myself I would never settle for less than what I deserve just because there was a child involved. Being in these shoes has given me so much respect, support and love for all of you out there who have had to make such a terrifying, hard and long thought out decision. (Side note: This person wasn’t just the love of my life, fiancé and father of my child; but someone I knew my whole life. Childhood neighbors and best friends for years before we fell in love. This is someone that has been in my life longer than anyone else outside of my family.)
This is the hardest decision I have ever made.
People who have not experienced it don’t understand the pain but are the quickest to pass judgment. So many people didn’t understand or support my decision.
“Why wouldn’t you just deal and stay for your son?”…
“Why don’t you just give it more time?” …
“Why don’t you just wait until your son is 18 and leave?”…
“I would never not be with the father of my kids no matter how bad it is.”
Those people aren’t responsible for mine or my son’s happiness. I AM.
My son deserves to see his mommy happy and treated like a Queen. I feel it is my duty as a woman and mother to a son to show him how a woman should be treated. How can I expect him to treat a woman differently that I allow myself to be treated?
Never let an outsider’s opinion affect your well being and decision making.
I never understood the saying “Sometimes love isn’t enough.” How could love not be enough? I thought love was everything and conquered all.
I now understand.
Love is not enough.
Love is nothing without compromise, compassion, communication, support, respect, patience, encouragement, understanding and thoughtfulness.
I did not tear my family apart. I did everything I could to keep it together.
I forgave, communicated until I had no breaths left to speak, gave multiple chances and fought like hell until I had no fight left inside me.
I’ve learned you can’t be the only contestant in a 2 contender game, called a relationship.
Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want or expect.
Sometimes the one person who was always supposed to protect us, is the one who causes us the most pain.
Sometimes the person who is always supposed to be there for you, is the first to leave.
Sometimes the right decision is the most painful.
Sometimes we have to stand alone to stand tall.
Everything will be ok. Never settle because of your circumstances.
You will always overcome your circumstances, as they do not define you.
YOU define you.
I would be lying if I said I wish things wouldn’t have turned out differently. I miss my best friend. I still cry. I felt like I would have given up every dream I’ve ever dreamt to make my family work. But I learned you should never have to give up any of your dreams for anyone. You can have it all. I also learned the hard way that you cannot force someone to be what you want or need them to be. I have truly never wanted anything more than my family to be together…
But I realized I deserve someone who would fight for everything we built, not light a match just watch as it slowly burns down.
I could only carry the fire extinguisher for so long before it started to weigh me down.
If someone isn’t willing to make the changes to better themselves for them, you and your family, sometimes you have to make the decision to walk away.
You are not a failure because something did not work out as planned. You are courageous for standing up for yourself.
There are no failures in life, there are only lessons.